Andrew Peterson gems

I got a belated birthday present on Saturday - an Andrew Peterson cd from my sister. I get really excited about new cds - I'm completely NOT a part of the iTunes culture. I need to get a whole cd, sit down with it when I first get it, read all the lyrics, etc. It's like I'm already old-fashioned and I'm still in my twenties. Anyway, this one is everything I'd hoped it would be. Simple melodies, nothing ground-breaking musically, but sweet, God-honoring lyrics that have been a welcome soundtrack in an emotionally challenging week. Some excerpts:

from "Just as I Am" - about God's love:

"All of my life I've held on to this fear
These thistles and vines ensare and entwine
What flowers appeared
It's the fear that I'll fall one too many times
It's the fear that His love is no better than mine"

and from "Silence of God," a song about how hard it is when God seems silent:

"There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
in the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a stone
All his friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, He never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that He bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not"

and from "After the Last Tear Falls," a song that lists off all the many types of tragedy and hardship that will one day come to an end

"And in the end, the end is oceans and oceans of love and love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen were caught in the palms
of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales..."

Songs like these make me excited about the many miles of driving that my job requires. Looks like today will be another windows-down, belting-it-out kind of day.

Same old, same old...

One thing I love about my job is that it allows me to have long breaks in the middle of the day. Last week, I met a friend at my favorite coffee shop here in Ahwatukee. We had a couple hours to talk, and we covered a lot. She, like me, has an interest in doing mission work in Europe, and we could talk for hours on end about different places we've been, what we've experienced, what we hope to experience in the future, what we're learning while we wait, and how God is working through different people and places to accomplish His purposes. So last week we talked about these things and more, and for awhile it didn't seem like I was in the middle of a work day. My mind and heart were in far away places. I stopped by her house briefly before heading to work, and then as I drove away thought about what an interesting challenge it is to refocus on work itself after a few hours of thinking and talking about other things. I still had more than 5 hours of the "same old, same old" to deal with before the work day would end.

So I arrived at the house of my first afternoon kid. And as I walked down the stairs into the basement, where we have his therapy, I was struck by the fact that there really IS no same old, same old in my job. I can walk away from thinking of amazing things like the way that God is at work in people and in nations across the globe, and then I get to walk down the stairs and greet a little boy with Down Syndrome. And he says, "Hi, Krista!" and my heart is warmed. And as he eagerly runs over and sits down next to me at the keyboard, I'm reminded that my job is an incredible gift - that it keeps me thinking of amazing things - how God is at work in this little boy, in 30 other kids that I work with, how I get to be a part of seeing kids learn to talk, to walk, to listen, to express themselves, to interact in a meaningful way with other people. And as much as I long in many ways to move on to a next chapter in my life, this chapter is so, so sweet. My work exhausts me, but it is work that means a great deal, and it is work that reminds me daily of the goodness of my God and His unique workings in little lives.

And on that note, today's coffee break is over - time to get back to work. :-)

discontent, discipline, and the goodness of God

Last night, my discontent slapped me in the face with such great intensity that I was pretty near being literally paralyzed by it. There were a couple factors that went into that, which I won't discuss publicly, but by about 9:45 I ended up just laying on my bed and staring into space, trying to pray but just feeling so distant, so frustrated. I was frustrated with myself for having put my hope in things other than Christ without having even realized it, AGAIN. And, being a sinner, I was frustrated with God, too, for not doing things in my timing, and for not keeping my heart stayed on Him as I'd asked him to.

I am a person who thrives on schedules. So while it was one of those moods where part of me just wanted to curl up and try to sleep and ignore the world and my regular routine, the larger part of me knew that ignoring my typical routine would only make me feel worse. The last part of my nightly routine is reading part of what I read in my English Bible in the morning, in Romanian. Our small group is going through Hebrews right now, and in the morning I'd read Hebrews 11-12. So I dug out my two Bibles and started to work through the translation of the first few verses of Hebrews 12, then ended up reading the whole chapter in English before I moved on to Romanian. Such a sweet chapter, and I wept as I meditated on the God who disciplines BECAUSE He loves. I was feeling "weary and fainthearted," and was counseled from God's own Word to consider the One who" endured from sinners such hostility against himself." My sin does cling so closely, but I am encouraged to lay it aside, look to Christ, and run this race with endurance.

Having read the chapter through in English, I read it then out loud to myself in Romanian. When I got to v. 6 the tears fell fresh. Something about the Romanian word for love for some reason hit me harder than the English word on this night. In Romanian, the first part of v. 6 reads, "Caci Domnul pedepseste pe cine-l iubeste" (For the Lord disciplines the one he loves). Pe cine-l iubeste - the one he loves. My identity as a sinner was so clear to me in the moments leading up to that one, and when I got there, I was so so sweetly reminded of my identity as a one whom the Lord loves! I don't think I have any Romanians reading my blog, so I'm sure no one else is affected by "pe cine-l iubeste" the way that I was, but let me just assure you that it is immensely sweet. Plus in Romanian this verse is full of rhymes, which makes it prime material for song lyrics or a poem in the near future...

Whether or not God ever sends me back to Romania, I continue to be immensely grateful for the gift of worshipping Him in a language other than my own. I think it's hard for English words to affect my heart rightly sometimes - the word love, after all, is one I use for such trivial things on a normal basis. But God used His Word to me in my beat-up Romanian Bible to touch a calloused heart with the assurance of His proimises. This discipline is fruitful discipline flowing from a God who loves sinful me - and I am able to endure because of the One who endured the cross on my behalf.

First Day of Fall

I realized this morning that it was the first day of Fall, and that I hadn't planned for it. No, I don't mean switching out summer clothes for autumn ones or celebrating any kind of seasonal change. But for the last 5 years, I've spent at least a few minutes on the first day of fall at the cemetery, and today that isn't going to happen. Working in Ahwatukee all day and going to small group in Tempe after work doesn't leave any real opportunity to drive to central Mesa. But what I will do is re-post something I posted last fall about my time there and why I usually take that time:

On the first day of fall each year, I go to the city cemetery in my hometown. Nothing to do with the changing weather – it doesn’t change until at least October. But on the first day of fall in 1920, my grandmother was born. And in fall of 2003, she died. And so this is one of several landmarks during the year when I visit her grave, which she shares with my grandpa.
I’m not a person who believes in the mystical power of gravesites, or even in the dead looking down on me, or me having a chance to communicate with them while I’m there. But there is something about a cemetery. This one especially. It’s not well-groomed really- not a manicured lawn dotted with perfectly sculpted monuments. It’s old, and it has weeds sometimes, and it’s right in the middle of a not-so-nice part of town. But I love it. Somehow, ironically, there is life there. People come there and they sit by the graves of their loved ones. Some bring chairs, some bring books, some plan for a whole day. And unless there’s a funeral happening at the time, there isn’t that innate sense that you need to be quiet. And some people put balloons at the graves, not just flowers. And Happy Halloween signs, and birthday cards…
But I digress. When I go to the cemetery, it’s not for a long day of sitting. On this particular fall day, it’s much too hot to stay long anyway. I park my car and wander, nodding my respects to funeral-goers nearby and starting my search for the grave. I always remember that it’s just east of the entrance, and just north of a tree…but there are many trees and I always end up wandering. And then I find it, and I pause. Ingebrigtsen, Marjorie and Leonard. I’m here for both of them, really, it’s just that the birthday is my grandma’s. I make sure the ants won’t be too bothersome, then I tidy up a bit. Other times, I’ve brought flowers, but today I didn’t. I fluff out the fake flowers that someone else has brought before and turn my attention to the gravestone itself. It’s dusty – the lawn has apparently been mowed recently and little grass clippings have settled all around. I brush off the big ones with my hand, but that doesn’t take care of all the little bits that have landed in the engraving. My grandparents loved the Superstition Mountains – even moved here to Arizona because of them. They once had a cabin there that still fills the memories of everyone in the 2 generations above me. And so that was chosen as the design of their stone. A simple sketch of the outline of that dramatic desert mountain range, now filled with the tiniest bits of dead grass. I blow gently on each line to clear it, and then trace the names the same way. Now satisfied, I simply sit and think and pray. Not for a long time – these are thoughts and prayers that aren’t as gut-wrenching now as they once were. Now when I go it is more to remind myself of those times before – of everything that happened in the fall of 2003, of the largely unscarred life I left behind, of the doubts I overcame, of the daily mercy of God sustaining and refreshing my soul, even while I was trying my hardest to walk away from Him. They are things that need to be remembered and cannot be forgotten, things that have shaped me into who I am. And I dare not ever forget that it was hard but that God was there. And that the story’s not over yet and that God still has much to teach me.
I breathe my thanks to the God who was there, to the God who IS there. I breathe also a prayer for the family members who are still here, who still need the mercy of God to capture their hearts. And I pray that I would not grow weary. And I walk back to my car, as I watch the funeral-goers, and the lawn-chair-sitters, and I remember.

"Are Miraculous Gifts for Today" quotes

Three favorite quotes from the authors' concluding statements. I really did like what all 4 men had to say, but these quotes in particular stood out to me:

"When God pours out his Spirit in power, believers respond in a variety of
ways. We need to be tolerant of one another rather than judgmental, and we
certainly should not limit God in ways that he has not limited himself. We
all know that the Bible lays down boundaries that we must not cross in the name
of spiritual unity; there can be no compromise, either explicitly by confession
or implicitly through association, on doctrines necessary for salvation.
But in the one true church, there should be a fundamental unity of the Spirit
that transcends all differences." - Douglas Oss

"Unity in the church has many dimensions and coming together around the
Scriptures in search of truth for the sake of God's work cannot help but
increase a sense of oneness, even when final agreement is not reached." - Robert
Saucy

"We did not agree on all points, but our dialogue helped us to
see that we shared a common heart. This recognition conditioned not only
the content of our dialogue but especially the attitude in which it was
pursued. Getting to know the heart of those with whom we differ and seeing
God's presence at work in them as well as oneself is a boon toward fruitful
dialogue...With all believers, I long for the day when all of God's people are
united. The presence of sin, however, will no doubt delay that reality
until the time of glorification. In the meantime we should all recognize
that divergent views are frequently the result of emphasizing certain aspects of
God's total truth. This emphasis may proceed beyond scriptural bounds to
exaggerated error at times, but it is helpful to recognize that the emphasis was
often initiated in search of a reality that the church needed to hear. In
the case of miraculous spiritual gifts, continuationists continually remind us
of the supernatural power and experiential aspects of our Christian faith.
Cessationists, on the other hand, stress that true Christianity rests on, and is
always to be evaluated by, the once-for-all delivered revelation of the
completed canonical Scripture. The church does not yet perceive the
correct relationship of these elements, but surely both emphases are to be
included in it." - Robert Saucy

on miraculous gifts

A few months back, our small group was reading though 1st Corinthians (in the process of reading through the Bible in a couple years)When we got to the familiar section in chapters 12-14 about spiritual gifts, I was ready to dive in and somehow get to the conclusion that I already held about the role (or lack thereof) of certain of these gifts in the church today. But I couldn't do it. I dove in, alright, and I couldn't get past certain verses and come away with an unchanged perspective. When we discussed it in group, we didn't spend a lot of time there, and I wasn't entirely satisfied with how we ended it.


On top of this, for more than a year, I've been attending a Romanian church twice a month or so that, at least on paper, holds beliefs on almost the opposite side of the spectrum as my own church on these issues. Without looking into it much, I had decided that I could enjoy the fellowship and worship at that church without agreeing with every element of their doctrine. I've been thoroughly blessed and encouraged by the style of worship at that church and had never experienced anything there that brought me any significant discomfort, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to let it change my doctrinal stance. But my 1st Corinthians study experience made my already wondering mind realize that I needed to look into this more, and do more than just ask someone to tell me what to think. A friend at church (thx Russ!) recommended a book, endorsed by our church elders, that laid out some of the basic positions on this topic. 4 different Biblical scholars wrote essays explaining/defending their position, and then each responded to each other.

So, several months ago, I began the endeavor of reading this book. Not exactly an easy read -full of incredibly complex lines of thought and words I'd never known before, but what an encouragement! Some of my own reactions:

-At the end of the day, my beliefs are just more moderate than they'd been a few months back. No drastic change, but a significant growth in understanding and well-thought conclusions. And still a certain amount of openness - every one of these men made a very good case.

-I realized how quick I am to judge other Christian beliefs and practices - how quick I am to assume that they are not Biblical simply because they are not what my church believes or does and my church is Biblical. I hadn't left room in my mind for the possibility that other people who love the word of God and cling to it as an absolute standard for church practice and personal holiness have simply come to different conclusions about certain things, and that those conclusions are not based on ignorance or blatant error.

And most of all, I was so very blessed to see the unity demonstrated by these 4 men (plus the editor, Wayne Grudem). At the beginning of the book and at the end, all areas of agreement were laid out. There are many! None believe that any miraculous gift is more important than the miracle of regeneration, when God changes the heart of a sinner and gives new life. None believe that a person must speak in tongues in order to prove that they possess the Holy Spirit. None believe that God has ceased to work miraculously. The list goes on... And ultimately, each man desires to see God worshipped in a way that honors Him and obeys His word.

I have to go back to work, but if time permits, I hope soon to post some sweet quotes from the book that point to this God-honoring unity around the Gospel.

What we Know

Finally able to sit and think and blog at a coffee shop - daily paperwork as done as it can be for now, to-do list virtually empty, and 30 more minutes before going back to work. Seems like it's been forever...

I've been thinking a lot lately about perspective. My thoughts on this sort of sprung from a horrible day of work I had last week. On days when I'm not at my best, I lack a good deal of compassion when the kids are awful. On this particular day, it seemed they'd all conspired ahead of time to try my patience in every way. Just about everyone tantrumed. Several took off their clothes. Grumpiness abounded. And sometimes, when a child looks at me as if their world has been irreparably disrupted by my telling them, "sit in the CHAIR please," "the trampoline is for LATER," or "Let's play the DRUM!", I want to stare right back at them and say, "You don't have ANYTHING to complain about. Your life is easy. Your parents take care of your every need. Your biggest concern is getting what you want in every moment. You don't have bills to pay. You don't have a concept of Future with a capital F. A hard day for you is when you get a snack that isn't your favorite. You have a whole team of professionals whose job it is to help you in every way they can. Please don't scratch me in the face because I'm asking you to sit in a chair."

But then I start to think about how similar we really are. Yeah, I'm not likely to take off my clothes when I don't get what I want. I'm not going to throw myself on the floor and self-abuse because I'd rather be in a different room. But, similarly to these kids, I know what I want and am disappointed when I don't get it. My concerns go a little bit beyond what I want to eat, what I want to be doing in that exact moment, how much longer I'll be in a specific room doing what I'm told. Instead, I'm caught up in thinking about things like paying for a surgery I didn't think I'd have to pay for, how much I desire to be married, how I'm missing certain people and places and times, how I want to be better at my job that I am... My problems FEEL bigger than their problems SEEM to me...but my concept of the world is bigger, so it only makes sense. Surely when your comprehension of the world around you is still limited and developing, problems that seem small to other people seem insurmountable.

But really, it should go beyond that. I'm not just an adult without developmental disabilities, capable of understanding the world at an adult level. I'm a person changed by the gospel of Jesus Christ and filled with the Holy Spirit. With an understanding that my sins have been paid for by Christ's finished work on the cross, that He has risen again and reigns in Heaven, that His Spirit indwells me and allows me to live a life that increasingly looks like His, that I will live for eternity in His presence, in the absence of sin, sorrow, and fear...with that understanding, EVERY problem of this life should appear as insignificant as being given a xylophone instead of a drum. And my inner tantrums are really as unreasonable as these kids' outward ones.