Why I Went to College?

Going to college was never something I had to think about. From a young age, I knew that was the plan. It was never really something I prayed about, thought through, etc. Maybe about WHERE to go to college, but even that was an easy choice - full scholarship and then some at ASU, which had the degree I'd known I'd wanted since sophomore year of high school. So I went.

At several points along the way, I doubted myself a little. At at one point, i think it was junior year, I doubted myself a LOT. Classes were hard, piano lessons were stressing me out to the point of frequent tears, and I wondered if college was something that I wasn't supposed to finish. It got to the point where I actually went and met with my pastor to seek counsel on whether maybe I should drop out.

I don't remember everything that was said that day. I remember him saying that yes, perhaps it was the Lord's will that I quit school. But not to rush that decision. He told me to reflect on the ways that God had used the experience of college to grow and challenge me, classwork aside. And the part that I remember the most was that he pulled out a worship song, just a sheet with words and chords. He asked if maybe my schooling was helping me to be able to look at something like that and do something with it. And it was. At that time, I was still by no means confident in reading chords, but I was working on it.

Obviously, I stayed in college. Combo of the things he said and other factors, I'm sure. And I finished my classes, then headed off in 06 to my internship in NY. If I'd thought college was hard...the internship almost destroyed me, I almost quit, and I came to a definite decision that music therapy was not the field for me...

Then, I moved home, got my board certification, and got a full-time music therapy job. Apparently, I could do it after all. I loved my work, despite it still being intensely challenging, and it was evident that the Lord had known what He was doing, and that NOT quitting had been the right choice, both times I'd faced that decision.

3 years later, I've fought hard for music therapy. When budget cuts hit, I fought the cuts. When they didn't look reversible, I started my own little fledgling business, sort of, with my employer's blessing. When that didn't look sustainable, I started looking at music therapy jobs out of state.

And now, after all of that, I've stopped the fight, at least for now. I've gotten a new job, still in the realm of people with disabilities, but outside of the music therapy field. I'm thankful to take a break from fighting, because it's been exhausting. I'm excited for many elements of the new job, but deeply sad at the same time. So strange to think my weeks will not be filled with singing and playing and the laughter of children.

But something keeps coming back to me...that convo with pastor Scott so many years ago. That piece of music he flashed in front of me in that meeting, that now is something I can play effortlessly, really WORSHIP with without spending all my energies on finding the right notes. Post-internship, I finally joined the worship band at church, and I'm able to serve the local church in a way I never would have had the confidence to do before. And really, if that was the only reason I went to college, it would be worth it.

And then I think of all the other amazing things that came out of college - the Christian community I discovered there, the deep friendships that formed, all the growing up that happened there. I'll use the education I received in my new job, for sure, and hopefully one day I'll be able to reenter the music therapy world in some capacity, but if not, college was surely still worth it. God surely knew what he was doing.

Someone Else's Words

Over the past week, my battle for right thinking - to think rightly about things and to think about the RIGHT things - has been pretty intense. And what tends to happen when I start to loose control of my thought life is that I just let the reins go completely - like they're slipping out of my hands, and I just don't grab them fast enough. And a lot of this thinking has to do with my own desires and trying to figure out what GOD's desires are, and how to make mine line up with His, and how to think rightly on how to know and understand His will, and how to believe with all my heart in all of His promises...but in my weakness all of this just turns into worry and self-pity and fear, and even anger with this great God.

So, the other day I kind of lost it. And I was reading in the Psalms and was brought to tears as I read the following:

"The Lord is righteous in all His ways
and kind in all His works
The Lord is near to all who call on Him
to all who call on Him in truth
He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him
He also hears their cry and saves them
The Lord preserves all who love Him"
-Psalm 145:17-20a

I decided that rather than sit down and write a song about all my messy thoughts, I'd write a song using only these words - only divinely inspired, TRUE words. What a sweet process this was! Especially because songs pretty inevitably get stuck in my head, in a much more persistent way than words or sentences do. And so as I tried to gear up strength to face the rest of my day, I had TRUTH echoing in my brain - that the Lord is righteous, and kind, and near! That He fulfills desires and hears cries and saves and preserves His children. Oh, that this truth would be the constant soundtrack to my days!

Beauty Will Rise, part 2

After almost a month, I'll continue my Steven Curtis Chapman series...though I'm tempted to ditch it and write about other things. Maybe those other things will make their way into this series anyway...

2nd song on the album is the same as the album name, "Beauty Will Rise." This song is incredible. Out of all of the songs on the album, I think it is the most powerful musically, and the lyrics are great as well. One part of the song has sort of become my theme over the last month or so:

"But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
We have this hope:
Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise,
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes..."

I've kinda come out of the depths of my emotions, in recent weeks. But I sat there for awhile, under what really seemed to be the weight of all my broken dreams. And I've clung to this hope, that God and God alone can make something beautiful out of what looks so very messy and hard and hopeless.

There's this part of the song where the lyrics say,

"I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face,
to wipe the tears away, and say,
'It's time, to make everything NEW."

And at the word "new," there's this incredible instrumental build that has never failed to move me. And oh, how I'm so very eager to see this new something that God will create, and to see Him with my own eyes.

Ok, that's all for now...short and sweet :-)

Beauty Will Rise, part 1?

So I came to a coffee shop with a friend today with the express purpose of blogging. I intended to bring my journal from my road trip and transfer and expand upon some of what I wrote during that journey...but I forgot to bring it along. Which brings me to plan B...blogging about my latest favorite cd.

2 years ago, Christian singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter in a tragic accident. He didn't know if he'd ever return to the stage/studio...but then he ended up creating this amazing, heart-wrenching album, Beauty Will Rise. His songs are full of pain and heartbreak, but never without hope. Seems like my blog could, of late, take that as a theme - pain and heartbreak and striving for hope. So, needless to say, I relate well to this album; despite the fact that my recent losses have not included anyone's death, there are many of the same wrestlings with the Lord, and grief over things lost, and a struggling to bring the hope that lies deep within me up to the surface, to make it tangible.

So I'm going to write at least about part of the album, song by song...we'll see if this turns into a series...

1) Heaven is the Face

SCC looks forward to the day when he sees his little girl again in Heaven. I'm not sure what I think about counting on seeing people we love when we get to Heaven - I think we'll be pretty consumed w/worshiping Christ anyway. And I think SCC probably thinks that too...he even acknowledges that Heaven is going to be "so much more" than seeing his daughter but that right now, those specific desires are what his "heart is aching for." But my actual favorite part of this song is toward the end, where he lists off all the things that will be absent in Heaven - cancer and hunger and loneliness, etc. And he ends this list with:

"And there's no more goodbye
and no more 'not enough'
And there's no more enemy."

And nowhere else in the whole album does SCC talk about the enemy's role in his grieving process, and I'd be interested in knowing what he means exactly. But there's something in the way that he throws that line in and what he does with it musically at that point that makes me think that Satan has had a pretty active role in his attacks on this man. And oh! How I long for the day when there IS no more enemy - his lies have been so present in my own mind and heart over the last several months. And the battle is wearisome. But I know there is a victor, and I am His. Satan's attacks hurt immensely, and they incapacitate me for periods of time. But ultimately he will lose. And I take comfort from these words from 2 Peter 5:8-11:

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

Amen!

musical musings

Not much time before my next session, but wanted to post a couple things. First, the lyrics to a sweet, sweet song that we did at church this week. This one resonates so deeply with me and I'm sure with many others. I love when, as believers, we can sing honestly about sorrow and pain, but always tinged with hope.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet

And second, my amusing playlist for my "journey to joy" that starts tomorrow. I had a bunch of cds picked out, including multiple cds of the following:

Jars of Clay (obviously)
Caedmon's Call
Andrew Peterson
Enfield

pretty noticeable trend...and definitely my favorite genre. But given the nature and timing of my little journey, I noticed a serious lack of belt-it-out kind of music, you know, the kind that gets out a little bit of angst. :-) So I added Alanis and Rent...and now I'm satisfied.

journey for joy

"He who forgets the humming of the bees among the heather, the cooing of the wood-pigeons in the forest, the song of birds in the woods, the rippling of rills among the rushes, and the sighing of the wind among the pines, needs not wonder if his heart forgets to sing and his soul grows heavy." - Charles Spurgeon

I read this delightful little quote a few weeks ago, and it turned my plans to go on a little getaway to Colorado from a far-off possibility into an almost-definite plan. My last week, by the grace of God, has been infinitely lighter, happier, and easier than the many weeks before...but it still seems a vacation is most definitely in order. My job is one that is fantastically rewarding but also unbelievably draining. It is not a job that is easy to function in while my heart is weary and I'm caught up in my own needs, as I'm supposed to be helping meet the needs of kids. And with 2 pretty devastating events having happened in my life at almost the exact same time in March, I never took even a day to breathe or recover. When I set my date for leaving on my trip (this Wednesday!), it still seemed like the best possible attempt to grasp at any inkling of joy. Thankfully, God didn't wait for my departure before granting me joy. I have experienced joy again in recent days, and it tastes oh-so-sweet after so many weeks without it. My hope is that this joy will only be magnified and focused and purified as I get away from the messiness that is my life in Tempe and spend some time away. I'm calling it my "healing journey," always with a sort of embarassed smile on my face. Jesus is the Healer, and He can of course accomplish His healing however He sees fit. But I expect to spend some sweet time with Him as I drive through the deserts and into the pines, singing and praying and just drinking in His beautiful creation that screams His praises. My soul longs to see and hear and feel His beauty...Colorado, here I come!

Melody

First, a preface. I realize that my blog is essentially putting my heart out on the table in a way many people wouldn't do. And the fact that I have it feeding to facebook makes it seem all the more "broadcast." My intent isn't to draw attention to myself, demand pity, seek approval, or anything else. I just feel like things that are created are that much more meaningful when shared. In one of the several "ideal lives" I've pictured recently, I would like to quit my job and just become an author/songwriter/composer and somehow make a living off of it. But until then...blogging it is.

That being said, I wrote a pretty intensely emotional song the other night. What I WON'T do is go into gory details about what brought me to the point of writing this song. But in the middle of band practice for our church on Sunday afternoon, I literally looked down at my hands and started thinking about how crazy it is that they still work the way they've worked for years and are still able to make music. While my mind and my heart and even my voice feel so different for all that's gone on in recent months, my hands still seem strong. So between practice and church, I scribbled some thoughts down in my journal. And when I got home that night, it became a song. I suppose for facebook/blogging purposes, it remains more or less a poem...

Rest is near impossible, peace is all but gone
Hope lies somewhere deep but has not recently been shown
The truths that once rang clear and loud I'm straining now to hear
It seems the only easy things are sorrow, now, and fear

But still eight fingers and two thumbs go on, just as before
They strike each note, with strength and grace quite lacking in my core

Make melody, I beg, while my heart and voice still break
Make melody to Him whose mighty grasp noone can shake
Make melody, and someday soon may voice and heart join in
with power that bespeaks a mighty victory over sin

The strength that now seems only to exist in wrist and hand
I know this strength, supplied by Christ, will one day help me stand
Help me stand again and know once more with all my heart
That God's unfailing grace, which has called me from the start
will once again bring faith and joy and peace and hope and rest
And that all in me that's broken is such only for my best

And just as notes make chords and chords together make a song
So will God make something of this journey, hard and long
And each step that I have taken still has not escaped His plan
And my life will be sweet music as it's guided by His hand.

Make melody, O Lord, of these stumbling, doubting steps
Make melody, My God, as you pull me from these depths
Make melody, and someday soon I'll join a heavenly choir
as I praise the mighty Savior who's refined me through this fire