- "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Einstein
- "It is curiously comforting to know that your calling is beyond your capability." Powlison
I saw both of these quotes today and could relate so very well to both. Man, is work difficult. It was especially hard to return to "the grind" on Monday after 4 days of true, God-enabled, God-saturated rest. 4 days, also, where I was the boss of nobody and had very little control over anything, not even my OWN schedule, much less the schedule of any employees. Returning from that to the fast-paced, intense, one-crisis-after-another environment of work was a challenge I was expecting and preparing for. What I was NOT prepared for was what awaited me on that first day back. Some decisions had been made and had been announced to the rest of my team while I was taking my blissful rest last Thursday. I was brought up to speed Monday and learned that there are going to be some pretty significant changes in the next couple months. These changes are being made for really good reasons, and there's not even a hint of anger in my heart about the whole thing. At the same time, the changes are ones I'm not sure I can handle, and so, for the 3rd year in a row, I find myself back on the job hunt, at least in my spare time as sort of a "just in case."
ANYWAY, back to the quotes. Praying and thinking through what direction to head or whether to stay where I'm at causes me to evaluate even more my ability to do my current job. And this first quote resonates so well with me. There are so many days where I feel like quite a failure in one way or another at work. This is my own issue. I'm not getting that sense from my peers or from my boss or from my boss's boss...though sometimes I do get it from my staff members. It's just something I have to battle and bring before the Lord. I also have to remind myself that there ARE many things I'm good at, and that it's ok to not be good at other things. So, like the fish in that first quote, I get caught up in my frustration because the tree just seems so unclimbable...and then I remember the beauty of swimming in the ocean. Some things DO come easily to me, it's just that this job isn't one of them.
And the other quote. Clearly, my "calling" is far beyond my capabilities. I KNOW that I've felt called to work with people with disabilities. And I've seen the Lord's goodness and providence ALL OVER the provision of this job and the many joys it holds. But it will never be easy. I don't think I will ever quite feel "capable." And what I need to strive for, is to find this "curious comfort" in this reality. The Lord has placed me here, and the Lord knows what I can and can't do and all of the consequences wrapped up in that. The Lord also cares for the sparrows and knows how many hairs are on my head. I can and should find comfort in the knowledge that His power is perfect in my weakness, and I should rejoice in this opportunity to be fully dependent on Him as I'm faced with things that I'm quite certain are not within my own powers to accomplish.
Wow, lots of words and so little clarity. I'm utterly exhausted and full of thoughts, and this blog bore the brunt of that combo tonight. :-) Can't even sum it up neatly...but I can say that I know not what the future holds but do know the One who holds it...and that should be reason enough to sleep sweetly and soundly tonight.