Beauty Will Rise, part 2

After almost a month, I'll continue my Steven Curtis Chapman series...though I'm tempted to ditch it and write about other things. Maybe those other things will make their way into this series anyway...

2nd song on the album is the same as the album name, "Beauty Will Rise." This song is incredible. Out of all of the songs on the album, I think it is the most powerful musically, and the lyrics are great as well. One part of the song has sort of become my theme over the last month or so:

"But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
We have this hope:
Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise,
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes..."

I've kinda come out of the depths of my emotions, in recent weeks. But I sat there for awhile, under what really seemed to be the weight of all my broken dreams. And I've clung to this hope, that God and God alone can make something beautiful out of what looks so very messy and hard and hopeless.

There's this part of the song where the lyrics say,

"I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face,
to wipe the tears away, and say,
'It's time, to make everything NEW."

And at the word "new," there's this incredible instrumental build that has never failed to move me. And oh, how I'm so very eager to see this new something that God will create, and to see Him with my own eyes.

Ok, that's all for now...short and sweet :-)

Beauty Will Rise, part 1?

So I came to a coffee shop with a friend today with the express purpose of blogging. I intended to bring my journal from my road trip and transfer and expand upon some of what I wrote during that journey...but I forgot to bring it along. Which brings me to plan B...blogging about my latest favorite cd.

2 years ago, Christian singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter in a tragic accident. He didn't know if he'd ever return to the stage/studio...but then he ended up creating this amazing, heart-wrenching album, Beauty Will Rise. His songs are full of pain and heartbreak, but never without hope. Seems like my blog could, of late, take that as a theme - pain and heartbreak and striving for hope. So, needless to say, I relate well to this album; despite the fact that my recent losses have not included anyone's death, there are many of the same wrestlings with the Lord, and grief over things lost, and a struggling to bring the hope that lies deep within me up to the surface, to make it tangible.

So I'm going to write at least about part of the album, song by song...we'll see if this turns into a series...

1) Heaven is the Face

SCC looks forward to the day when he sees his little girl again in Heaven. I'm not sure what I think about counting on seeing people we love when we get to Heaven - I think we'll be pretty consumed w/worshiping Christ anyway. And I think SCC probably thinks that too...he even acknowledges that Heaven is going to be "so much more" than seeing his daughter but that right now, those specific desires are what his "heart is aching for." But my actual favorite part of this song is toward the end, where he lists off all the things that will be absent in Heaven - cancer and hunger and loneliness, etc. And he ends this list with:

"And there's no more goodbye
and no more 'not enough'
And there's no more enemy."

And nowhere else in the whole album does SCC talk about the enemy's role in his grieving process, and I'd be interested in knowing what he means exactly. But there's something in the way that he throws that line in and what he does with it musically at that point that makes me think that Satan has had a pretty active role in his attacks on this man. And oh! How I long for the day when there IS no more enemy - his lies have been so present in my own mind and heart over the last several months. And the battle is wearisome. But I know there is a victor, and I am His. Satan's attacks hurt immensely, and they incapacitate me for periods of time. But ultimately he will lose. And I take comfort from these words from 2 Peter 5:8-11:

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

Amen!

musical musings

Not much time before my next session, but wanted to post a couple things. First, the lyrics to a sweet, sweet song that we did at church this week. This one resonates so deeply with me and I'm sure with many others. I love when, as believers, we can sing honestly about sorrow and pain, but always tinged with hope.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet

And second, my amusing playlist for my "journey to joy" that starts tomorrow. I had a bunch of cds picked out, including multiple cds of the following:

Jars of Clay (obviously)
Caedmon's Call
Andrew Peterson
Enfield

pretty noticeable trend...and definitely my favorite genre. But given the nature and timing of my little journey, I noticed a serious lack of belt-it-out kind of music, you know, the kind that gets out a little bit of angst. :-) So I added Alanis and Rent...and now I'm satisfied.

journey for joy

"He who forgets the humming of the bees among the heather, the cooing of the wood-pigeons in the forest, the song of birds in the woods, the rippling of rills among the rushes, and the sighing of the wind among the pines, needs not wonder if his heart forgets to sing and his soul grows heavy." - Charles Spurgeon

I read this delightful little quote a few weeks ago, and it turned my plans to go on a little getaway to Colorado from a far-off possibility into an almost-definite plan. My last week, by the grace of God, has been infinitely lighter, happier, and easier than the many weeks before...but it still seems a vacation is most definitely in order. My job is one that is fantastically rewarding but also unbelievably draining. It is not a job that is easy to function in while my heart is weary and I'm caught up in my own needs, as I'm supposed to be helping meet the needs of kids. And with 2 pretty devastating events having happened in my life at almost the exact same time in March, I never took even a day to breathe or recover. When I set my date for leaving on my trip (this Wednesday!), it still seemed like the best possible attempt to grasp at any inkling of joy. Thankfully, God didn't wait for my departure before granting me joy. I have experienced joy again in recent days, and it tastes oh-so-sweet after so many weeks without it. My hope is that this joy will only be magnified and focused and purified as I get away from the messiness that is my life in Tempe and spend some time away. I'm calling it my "healing journey," always with a sort of embarassed smile on my face. Jesus is the Healer, and He can of course accomplish His healing however He sees fit. But I expect to spend some sweet time with Him as I drive through the deserts and into the pines, singing and praying and just drinking in His beautiful creation that screams His praises. My soul longs to see and hear and feel His beauty...Colorado, here I come!

Melody

First, a preface. I realize that my blog is essentially putting my heart out on the table in a way many people wouldn't do. And the fact that I have it feeding to facebook makes it seem all the more "broadcast." My intent isn't to draw attention to myself, demand pity, seek approval, or anything else. I just feel like things that are created are that much more meaningful when shared. In one of the several "ideal lives" I've pictured recently, I would like to quit my job and just become an author/songwriter/composer and somehow make a living off of it. But until then...blogging it is.

That being said, I wrote a pretty intensely emotional song the other night. What I WON'T do is go into gory details about what brought me to the point of writing this song. But in the middle of band practice for our church on Sunday afternoon, I literally looked down at my hands and started thinking about how crazy it is that they still work the way they've worked for years and are still able to make music. While my mind and my heart and even my voice feel so different for all that's gone on in recent months, my hands still seem strong. So between practice and church, I scribbled some thoughts down in my journal. And when I got home that night, it became a song. I suppose for facebook/blogging purposes, it remains more or less a poem...

Rest is near impossible, peace is all but gone
Hope lies somewhere deep but has not recently been shown
The truths that once rang clear and loud I'm straining now to hear
It seems the only easy things are sorrow, now, and fear

But still eight fingers and two thumbs go on, just as before
They strike each note, with strength and grace quite lacking in my core

Make melody, I beg, while my heart and voice still break
Make melody to Him whose mighty grasp noone can shake
Make melody, and someday soon may voice and heart join in
with power that bespeaks a mighty victory over sin

The strength that now seems only to exist in wrist and hand
I know this strength, supplied by Christ, will one day help me stand
Help me stand again and know once more with all my heart
That God's unfailing grace, which has called me from the start
will once again bring faith and joy and peace and hope and rest
And that all in me that's broken is such only for my best

And just as notes make chords and chords together make a song
So will God make something of this journey, hard and long
And each step that I have taken still has not escaped His plan
And my life will be sweet music as it's guided by His hand.

Make melody, O Lord, of these stumbling, doubting steps
Make melody, My God, as you pull me from these depths
Make melody, and someday soon I'll join a heavenly choir
as I praise the mighty Savior who's refined me through this fire

unexpected voices

Life's been rough. Real rough. 2010 thus far has been a process of God whittling away from me many things that I took much joy in - perhaps too much joy. I'm seeing where I've elevated things I treasure, like a relationship and a job that I love, to a place that only God should occupy. I will never suffer the eternal fires of Hell, because I have trusted in Christ, but I've been in the refining fire over the last couple months, and it burns intensely.

And in the midst of it all, I've desperately sought God's voice of comfort. And I've sought counsel from so many dear friends, and have received such sweet encouragement from family and roommates and church leaders and friends. And God has, at times, seemed quite silent, and that has been the hardest part. But He is a gracious God. And while I have not yet received my long-desired, "Thus saith the Lord to Krista: Do such and such at such and such a time, and such and such will happen in the future...", He has spoken in beautiful and unexpected ways. Some examples:

Two weeks ago, I taught Sunday school. I was beautifully distracted from my own distress as I led the kids through the account of Jesus' distress on the cross, and what it means for those of us who put our trust in Him. The kids were wonderfully responsive, and it warmed my heart. And at the end, several of the kids wanted to pray. I expected very general prayers or prayers related to what we'd just discussed, but one child prayed something I did not expect: "God, thank you that you give us all the things we need, and thank you that you don't give us the things that we just want but don't need." That little 6-year-old boy could not have known to prod my heart to thankfulness in this season, but God did know, and He spoke.

Last Sunday, I went to Romanian church in the morning. During a time of prayer, I just kept praying, Thank You, Lord, that you KNOW! He knows my heart, He knows my pain, He knows my sin, He knows my future. And He is good! This was what was on my heart. Later in the service, a man preached in Romanian about Jesus just before He raised Lazarus from the dead. And one thing the man emphasized was that God KNEW. God knew of Lazarus' death, He knew of the pain his family felt...and He waited, and He acted. The man preaching began to cry as He repeated over and over "God KNOWS!" And he reassured my aching heart yet again with the truth that just because God does not answer our prayers as we wish when we wish, this does not mean He doesn't know. God impressed this on my heart in prayer and then through this man's words and His own Word. And, once more, it was sweet to hear words of comfort in the language that God has graciously allowed me to learn over the last few years - there's something so different and wonderful about not just hearing truth in English.

Yesterday, I heard truth from a very unexpected source - myself several years ago. I was looking at old blog entries on my myspace blog (which I intended to delete years ago), searching for a quote I'd put on there from a book. And I found my own words from another really hard season in my life, when I was living in New York and doubting my ability to finish my internship or complete my degree, and was mourning the loss of a friend. And I spoke of how hard it was and how terrifying it was but how I'd been redeemed by my God and could rest in that. I was reassured yesterday not only by the truth that I'd spoken then, but by the fact that I'd spoken it. I've been, in recent weeks, frustrated by my seeming fickleness and inability to praise God with a joyful heart in trials, and there I was, doing just that, 3 years ago - praising God and speaking truth to myself and the people reading. And by God's grace, I will be there again, and I will look back at this period in years to come and see God's faithfulness and the way that He allowed me to persevere, and how somehow, in a way that only an omniscient and omnipotent God can devise, it will have served to benefit me and to glorify Him.

Be Still, My Soul

Without going into details, let's just say the last few weeks of my life have been intensely challenging. Work stuff, relationship stuff...and just plain old being a grown-up when it gets exhausting. I find myself overjoyed at the new birth of my little nephew and yet so saddened and anxious about other areas of my life.

I was digging through our sheet music at my house the other day, trying to find chords for a song our church does that Garrett wants to learn. 2 of my roommates and myself have quite a random assortment of songs srewn in various places in the house, and during my search I came across the song, "Be Still, My Soul." It's an old hymn whose tune is familiar but whose words were mostly new to me, or at least had been forgotten long ago. But oh, what a sweet balm to a weary soul. So because I can't say it better, and because maybe someone reading this is struggling with a soul that just isn't still as well...here are the words:

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.