I remember many months ago, teaching a Sunday school lesson on the parting of the Red Sea. I teach a group of mostly-well-behaved young elementary kids at church. These kids are, for the most part, responsive and thoughtful and inquisitive and such fun to teach. During this particular lesson, they were getting pretty excited, and also getting really silly. When it got to the part of the story where the Egyptian army was wiped out, they were laughing and cheering and such. An understandable response, for sure. These Egyptians and their ruler had certainly been the enemy in the story, and after all those plagues and all that pleading, it sure was a relief to get to the part of the story where the Israelites' victory was sure. But I stopped the kids. I explained to them that these people DIED, and that that is always a very serious thing, and not something to laugh about. We were able to go on to talk about the fact that the Israelites were not better than the Egyptians but that the mercy of God was upon them. Similarly, that we deserve death just as much as those Egyptians did and that it is only the mercy of Jesus that saves us from an awful fate.
Tonight, I read all the news on Bin Laden's death. I watched Obama's address, I read articles and blogs, and I followed all the various facebook responses. What I was really searching for, a couple hours after the announcement, was a response from New Yorkers at Ground Zero.
My first experience at Ground Zero was visiting with a friend in 06, during my first visit to NY. This friend had lost a dear friend in the 9-11 attacks. During the process of grieving for that friend and watching that friend's family grieve with a hope in Jesus, my friend had become a believer. So being able to visit that sort of "sacred" space with a friend whose life had literally been saved through the death of a friend in that tragedy was a pretty incredible and sobering experience. I have visited Ground Zero several times since, always with that little story in mind, always saddened by the losses and intrigued by the many stories with 9-11-01 as their focal point.
I don't know what I expected to find in video footage of Ground Zero tonight. Maybe people praying, reflecting, embracing each other and feeling a certain sense of closure after an impossibly rough 10 years of grieving together. What I saw instead reminded me of my Sunday school kids. People were simply excited and cheering and laughing and cursing and chanting. It was sad. Understandable, but sad. I don't think I've ever in my lifetime seen a mass rejoicing in the death of another, and it's sort of an unnerving experience. And I wonder if somewhere in that crowd were people longing to think quietly of their lost loved ones 10 years ago, longing to reflect and pray and grieve, and instead finding themselves in the middle of a party.
Certainly, I'm relieved Osama is gone. I'm certain his heart was full of evil. But I'm also certain my heart, apart from the grace of God, would be capable of that same evil and deserving of his same fate. And I think that death, no matter whose it is, is a serious matter and not a laughing one.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
- "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." Einstein
- "It is curiously comforting to know that your calling is beyond your capability." Powlison
I saw both of these quotes today and could relate so very well to both. Man, is work difficult. It was especially hard to return to "the grind" on Monday after 4 days of true, God-enabled, God-saturated rest. 4 days, also, where I was the boss of nobody and had very little control over anything, not even my OWN schedule, much less the schedule of any employees. Returning from that to the fast-paced, intense, one-crisis-after-another environment of work was a challenge I was expecting and preparing for. What I was NOT prepared for was what awaited me on that first day back. Some decisions had been made and had been announced to the rest of my team while I was taking my blissful rest last Thursday. I was brought up to speed Monday and learned that there are going to be some pretty significant changes in the next couple months. These changes are being made for really good reasons, and there's not even a hint of anger in my heart about the whole thing. At the same time, the changes are ones I'm not sure I can handle, and so, for the 3rd year in a row, I find myself back on the job hunt, at least in my spare time as sort of a "just in case."
ANYWAY, back to the quotes. Praying and thinking through what direction to head or whether to stay where I'm at causes me to evaluate even more my ability to do my current job. And this first quote resonates so well with me. There are so many days where I feel like quite a failure in one way or another at work. This is my own issue. I'm not getting that sense from my peers or from my boss or from my boss's boss...though sometimes I do get it from my staff members. It's just something I have to battle and bring before the Lord. I also have to remind myself that there ARE many things I'm good at, and that it's ok to not be good at other things. So, like the fish in that first quote, I get caught up in my frustration because the tree just seems so unclimbable...and then I remember the beauty of swimming in the ocean. Some things DO come easily to me, it's just that this job isn't one of them.
And the other quote. Clearly, my "calling" is far beyond my capabilities. I KNOW that I've felt called to work with people with disabilities. And I've seen the Lord's goodness and providence ALL OVER the provision of this job and the many joys it holds. But it will never be easy. I don't think I will ever quite feel "capable." And what I need to strive for, is to find this "curious comfort" in this reality. The Lord has placed me here, and the Lord knows what I can and can't do and all of the consequences wrapped up in that. The Lord also cares for the sparrows and knows how many hairs are on my head. I can and should find comfort in the knowledge that His power is perfect in my weakness, and I should rejoice in this opportunity to be fully dependent on Him as I'm faced with things that I'm quite certain are not within my own powers to accomplish.
Wow, lots of words and so little clarity. I'm utterly exhausted and full of thoughts, and this blog bore the brunt of that combo tonight. :-) Can't even sum it up neatly...but I can say that I know not what the future holds but do know the One who holds it...and that should be reason enough to sleep sweetly and soundly tonight.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Why Should You Suppose?
"But go, act, be strong for the battle. Why should you suppose that God will cast you down before the enemy? For God has power to help or to cast down." -2 Chronicles 25:8
I read this the other day and was incredibly encouraged by these words. Here's the story. The king of Judah was getting ready for a battle. He mustered thousands of men of Judah for this battle, and then he went and hired another 100,000 men from Israel, paying them silver to join the cause. A man of God came to him and essentially told him that he shouldn't have done that and that the Israelites should not go out to battle with him. Then the verse that caught my eye: "But go, act, be strong for the battle. Why should you suppose that God will cast you down before the enemy? For God has power to help or to cast down."
Amaziah's choice to hire all those extra men seemed to demonstrate something he was supposing - that God would otherwise cast him down. That perhaps only with the help of extra soldiers would he be victorious. And I think this verse grabbed my attention and tugged at my heart because, whether consciously or subconsciously, I've been supposing defeat in my own life. I head into a day, knowing that the battle against sin is a hard one, knowing also that God has given all that I need to win it, but still somehow coming to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, my sin (most frequently my anxiety) will at some point just get the best of me, and I'll have to just try again tomorrow. Why would I suppose this? God has the power to help or cast down, and somehow I choose to believe that He will choose the latter, when over and over again in my life His help has been a very real presence. I want to suppose the BEST of my God - why would I choose the alternative?
I read this the other day and was incredibly encouraged by these words. Here's the story. The king of Judah was getting ready for a battle. He mustered thousands of men of Judah for this battle, and then he went and hired another 100,000 men from Israel, paying them silver to join the cause. A man of God came to him and essentially told him that he shouldn't have done that and that the Israelites should not go out to battle with him. Then the verse that caught my eye: "But go, act, be strong for the battle. Why should you suppose that God will cast you down before the enemy? For God has power to help or to cast down."
Amaziah's choice to hire all those extra men seemed to demonstrate something he was supposing - that God would otherwise cast him down. That perhaps only with the help of extra soldiers would he be victorious. And I think this verse grabbed my attention and tugged at my heart because, whether consciously or subconsciously, I've been supposing defeat in my own life. I head into a day, knowing that the battle against sin is a hard one, knowing also that God has given all that I need to win it, but still somehow coming to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, my sin (most frequently my anxiety) will at some point just get the best of me, and I'll have to just try again tomorrow. Why would I suppose this? God has the power to help or cast down, and somehow I choose to believe that He will choose the latter, when over and over again in my life His help has been a very real presence. I want to suppose the BEST of my God - why would I choose the alternative?
Friday, January 7, 2011
just the sweater again...
Every so often, there is this strange sound that happens while I'm driving, kind of like a thumping, that seems to be coming from underneath me or right outside my door. Numerous times, this sound has concerned me. And numerous times, I eventually come to the same conclusion: It's just the sweater again.
See, my favorite sweater has a real long tie on it that I often leave untied, leaving it to dangle pretty low. When I get in my car and shut the door...sometimes that tie doesn't make it all the way in. It's pretty incredible, really, what a great amount of sound a small piece of fabric can make when it's whipping about down the street at 50 mph. It sounds remarkably as if my tire is about to fall off or something. It's terrifying. And what is most incredible to me is that nearly every time this happens (and I'm telling you, it's ridiculous how often it does), I first wonder, "Oh, no! What's that sound? What's wrong with my car?" before I realize that I'm wearing the infamous sweater, and that infamous tie is having another adventure just outside my door.
Lately I've been realizing the same thing about my thoughts- my anxiety, namely. So often, something stressful will come up, and I jump to all sorts of conclusions about what could come of it - like "I'll never recover from this one," "I'll lose the respect of my boss over this," "this task or list of tasks is something that I will never actually be able to accomplish," etc. In recent days, I've been able to step back a second and say, "It's just the sweater again." These hurdles are NOT the enormous disasters that I'm making them into in my mind; they are just temporary issues that will soon pass away. Like a sweater strap caught in the door, my mind gets caught up in these crazy cycles. Not quite as easily solveable, perhaps, as opening a car door and freeing a strap, but still usually far less serious that what I've conjured up in my imagination.
If the devil had his way in my life, I would be so consumed with those imaginary disasters that I would never step back and just take care of the issue - my heart. This week finds me tugging at that strap, trying to take all my runaway thoughts captive and lay them before my loving Savior.
See, my favorite sweater has a real long tie on it that I often leave untied, leaving it to dangle pretty low. When I get in my car and shut the door...sometimes that tie doesn't make it all the way in. It's pretty incredible, really, what a great amount of sound a small piece of fabric can make when it's whipping about down the street at 50 mph. It sounds remarkably as if my tire is about to fall off or something. It's terrifying. And what is most incredible to me is that nearly every time this happens (and I'm telling you, it's ridiculous how often it does), I first wonder, "Oh, no! What's that sound? What's wrong with my car?" before I realize that I'm wearing the infamous sweater, and that infamous tie is having another adventure just outside my door.
Lately I've been realizing the same thing about my thoughts- my anxiety, namely. So often, something stressful will come up, and I jump to all sorts of conclusions about what could come of it - like "I'll never recover from this one," "I'll lose the respect of my boss over this," "this task or list of tasks is something that I will never actually be able to accomplish," etc. In recent days, I've been able to step back a second and say, "It's just the sweater again." These hurdles are NOT the enormous disasters that I'm making them into in my mind; they are just temporary issues that will soon pass away. Like a sweater strap caught in the door, my mind gets caught up in these crazy cycles. Not quite as easily solveable, perhaps, as opening a car door and freeing a strap, but still usually far less serious that what I've conjured up in my imagination.
If the devil had his way in my life, I would be so consumed with those imaginary disasters that I would never step back and just take care of the issue - my heart. This week finds me tugging at that strap, trying to take all my runaway thoughts captive and lay them before my loving Savior.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Christmas Constancy
Just finished reading other people's Christmas blog posts as I ate lunch and decided to try to crank my own out before leaving for work...
I've been thinking and wrestling through so very much lately (always?), and have a huge list of bloggable subjects to choose from. But here's one that's been on the edge of my mind this week...
Christmas is hard this year. It's logistically hard because all of a sudden, on top of getting my own home ready, my own family shopped for, etc., I'm also trying to be sure my two group homes have the Christmas celebration that they should. And that takes more energy than I have. It's hard because I just feel worn down in general, like I need a vacation, which I can't have until February at least.
Most of all, I think it's hard because of what it isn't. That magic of childhood Christmas fades a bit more every year, and consumerism and secularism seem so heavy. I miss the first 23 years of my life, where Christmas actually meant a vacation of some sort, more than 1 day off from work, time to rest and enjoy. I haven't even gone to see any Christmas lights this year, with time and energy lacking. Last Christmas was shared with someone special who isn't in my life anymore, and that brings extra heaviness too. Our family traditions also continue to change as people grow up and the family extends wider and wider, and that's hard on top of it all. I just finished reading some really sweet blog posts written by other Christians who, too, feel a weight that they wish they didn't at what should be a joyous time of year. I know I'm not alone in this.
We heard a great sermon this past Sunday on how to shepherd our hearts with scripture at Christmas, how to think rightly about it. I was encouraged by it, but still it is easier said than done. But that combined with other musings already in my head got me thinking about what has NOT changed about Christmas.
Jesus was still born 2 thousandish years ago. God still entered our world in the form of a baby, born in a stable to die on a cross. Born to die for ME. Born to redeem a people for Himself. Born to die that we might have life. Those events HAPPENED, and no amount of "festive cheer" can add to or detract from the history that we celebrate. There will be probably be happier Christmases in my future, and there will probably be harder ones. But the one that really matters cannot be changed and will be celebrated for eternity. Hallelujah, Hope has come!
I've been thinking and wrestling through so very much lately (always?), and have a huge list of bloggable subjects to choose from. But here's one that's been on the edge of my mind this week...
Christmas is hard this year. It's logistically hard because all of a sudden, on top of getting my own home ready, my own family shopped for, etc., I'm also trying to be sure my two group homes have the Christmas celebration that they should. And that takes more energy than I have. It's hard because I just feel worn down in general, like I need a vacation, which I can't have until February at least.
Most of all, I think it's hard because of what it isn't. That magic of childhood Christmas fades a bit more every year, and consumerism and secularism seem so heavy. I miss the first 23 years of my life, where Christmas actually meant a vacation of some sort, more than 1 day off from work, time to rest and enjoy. I haven't even gone to see any Christmas lights this year, with time and energy lacking. Last Christmas was shared with someone special who isn't in my life anymore, and that brings extra heaviness too. Our family traditions also continue to change as people grow up and the family extends wider and wider, and that's hard on top of it all. I just finished reading some really sweet blog posts written by other Christians who, too, feel a weight that they wish they didn't at what should be a joyous time of year. I know I'm not alone in this.
We heard a great sermon this past Sunday on how to shepherd our hearts with scripture at Christmas, how to think rightly about it. I was encouraged by it, but still it is easier said than done. But that combined with other musings already in my head got me thinking about what has NOT changed about Christmas.
Jesus was still born 2 thousandish years ago. God still entered our world in the form of a baby, born in a stable to die on a cross. Born to die for ME. Born to redeem a people for Himself. Born to die that we might have life. Those events HAPPENED, and no amount of "festive cheer" can add to or detract from the history that we celebrate. There will be probably be happier Christmases in my future, and there will probably be harder ones. But the one that really matters cannot be changed and will be celebrated for eternity. Hallelujah, Hope has come!
Friday, November 12, 2010
in brief...
I came to a coffee shop today with another writing friend, with the intent of writing. It's National Novel Writing Month...but I wasn't quite ambitious enough for that. I at least figured I'd get some blogging in, but now I have less than 10 minutes before I need to leave to meet another friend for lunch. So instead, a little portion of a song I wrote the other day. I discovered Sunday that I so desperately need to continually have a creative outlet, especially now that creativity (at least in a classic sense) is not as much a part of my daily life anymore. I need to be a person who writes and creates and sings and plays her heart out. And I recovered a little bit of that person on Sunday. here's the chorus - I'm late for lunch! :
"Jesus you bind the broken-hearted
You make us into who we never thought we'd ever be
And this is not where I was headed when I started
But the road is clear to You where my veiled eyes can't see"
"Jesus you bind the broken-hearted
You make us into who we never thought we'd ever be
And this is not where I was headed when I started
But the road is clear to You where my veiled eyes can't see"
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Little bits of thankfulness
My job has proven to be even harder than I'd imagined it would be. I'm battling my anxiety more than ever, and thankfully God has given some sweet victory in that battle at times. But at other times, I'm pretty overcome by the amount of things to be accomplished, and the IMPORTANCE of these many things. So couple my perfectionism and desire to do all things well with the fact that these things MUST be done well or people in my care will suffer...and you have a Krista who has to beg the Lord daily for a calm, peaceful, trusting heart and the ability to do hard things.
Management was never in my plans, and yet here I am. But what GOT me here was a sincere desire to help people with disabilities, and I have to constantly call that to mind. When I'm pushing paperwork, disciplining staff, dealing with pharmacies, and attending meetings, it's easy to forget. But this week, when things were probably at their hardest (and an on-call weekend loomed in my future), God was so gracious in providing these short, amazing moments with the clients themselves. It was very much like He was saying, "I know THIS is hard, but you love THIS."
On Tuesday, I finished my grocery shopping for one of the houses and was exhausted. I came to the door of the house with my first load, and was greeted by one of the clients, with a HUGE smile, and the most excited little squeal ever. Granted, I think he was just as excited about the groceries as he was about my arrival, but he assured me that he was excited about both. All of the clients were super happy that day, and it was great to walk into a happy home and have a sense that I'm contributing to its happiness, even if it doesn't always feel that way. The smiles and the energy from all of the residents was contagious even to my weary, stressed-out soul.
I manage 2 different homes, and according to my schedule, my time is split evenly between the 2. One of these homes, though, has demanded much more of my attention in recent weeks, and I'd hardly been at the other home at all in about a week, with the exception of stopping by briefly. On Wednesday of this week, I was finally there in a mid-afternoon, following another stressful meeting that left me feeling like my plate was just too full. The clients came home from their day program, and one of the clients smiled a big smile when he arrived and saw me. He immediately signed, "I love you." He then made sure the staff with him knew that he loved me also, signing this several times and pointing to me. Then a big hug and another big smile. I really almost cried. He'd never told me this before, and he chose THIS day to tell me, when I so needed to hear that.
Yesterday, I was determined to get off early since I'd stayed til 10 pm the night before and have to be on-call all weekend. But my plans don't always work out - one of my guys neeeded to go to urgent care. I had one of our drivers drop him off w/a staff, but I needed to go pick him up and get to the pharmacy and get instructions to the staff for administering his antibiotic. So as to not leave the house with too many clients and not enough staff, I brought one of the guys with me for these errands. I was exhausted but strangely happy, and this guy was glad to get out of the house and sit shotgun. Some dance-type music was on the radio in the van when we got in, and we both started dancing along. I am NOT a dancer, and have said before that the only time I dance is with my clients. It was so freeing and fun and altogether fabulous, and again, the smile on that guy's face made my day.
Our small group is studying Colossians 3, and it's so full of mentions of thankfulness, thankful hearts. I praise God that I have an underlying thankfulness -for His gospel and His goodness, and even for this job - even on the hardest days, I'm thankful for it. And this week, God gave so many little gifts to help me with my thankfulness. He is GOOD.
Colossians 3:15-17 "And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Management was never in my plans, and yet here I am. But what GOT me here was a sincere desire to help people with disabilities, and I have to constantly call that to mind. When I'm pushing paperwork, disciplining staff, dealing with pharmacies, and attending meetings, it's easy to forget. But this week, when things were probably at their hardest (and an on-call weekend loomed in my future), God was so gracious in providing these short, amazing moments with the clients themselves. It was very much like He was saying, "I know THIS is hard, but you love THIS."
On Tuesday, I finished my grocery shopping for one of the houses and was exhausted. I came to the door of the house with my first load, and was greeted by one of the clients, with a HUGE smile, and the most excited little squeal ever. Granted, I think he was just as excited about the groceries as he was about my arrival, but he assured me that he was excited about both. All of the clients were super happy that day, and it was great to walk into a happy home and have a sense that I'm contributing to its happiness, even if it doesn't always feel that way. The smiles and the energy from all of the residents was contagious even to my weary, stressed-out soul.
I manage 2 different homes, and according to my schedule, my time is split evenly between the 2. One of these homes, though, has demanded much more of my attention in recent weeks, and I'd hardly been at the other home at all in about a week, with the exception of stopping by briefly. On Wednesday of this week, I was finally there in a mid-afternoon, following another stressful meeting that left me feeling like my plate was just too full. The clients came home from their day program, and one of the clients smiled a big smile when he arrived and saw me. He immediately signed, "I love you." He then made sure the staff with him knew that he loved me also, signing this several times and pointing to me. Then a big hug and another big smile. I really almost cried. He'd never told me this before, and he chose THIS day to tell me, when I so needed to hear that.
Yesterday, I was determined to get off early since I'd stayed til 10 pm the night before and have to be on-call all weekend. But my plans don't always work out - one of my guys neeeded to go to urgent care. I had one of our drivers drop him off w/a staff, but I needed to go pick him up and get to the pharmacy and get instructions to the staff for administering his antibiotic. So as to not leave the house with too many clients and not enough staff, I brought one of the guys with me for these errands. I was exhausted but strangely happy, and this guy was glad to get out of the house and sit shotgun. Some dance-type music was on the radio in the van when we got in, and we both started dancing along. I am NOT a dancer, and have said before that the only time I dance is with my clients. It was so freeing and fun and altogether fabulous, and again, the smile on that guy's face made my day.
Our small group is studying Colossians 3, and it's so full of mentions of thankfulness, thankful hearts. I praise God that I have an underlying thankfulness -for His gospel and His goodness, and even for this job - even on the hardest days, I'm thankful for it. And this week, God gave so many little gifts to help me with my thankfulness. He is GOOD.
Colossians 3:15-17 "And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
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