Archive: July 23rd, 2008

just a sliver of what I’m thinking about...

Two cancellations and counting today, so I have some time to try to spew out some of the many thoughts in my head. Sometimes I get a feeling that there will never be the ability to sort out everything that I'm thinking and feeling, and that no matter how hard I try to express things to people there will always be something very crucial that gets left out because there's just too much going on.
I woke up today with a heavy weight. I think the emotions of the last week and a half finally caught up with me a little bit - I had a very fun-filled weekend with my friend Tracey in town and didn't really take any time to digest all of the emotions that would typically bombard me. I was able to praise God when I woke up though, hard as it was. I can thank Him that I have burdens in my heart that can only be removed by Him. That is mercy! The best place for me to be is at my Savior's feet, and that is not a place I am very likely to be if nothing is ever hard.
I may not go to Romania. This is a sentence I'm getting used to saying. Whereas several months ago, it seemed that everything was pointing in that direction, the complete opposite seems to be true now. And I don't know if these things are things to persevere through or if they are signs from God that now is not the time. And I don't know how to know that. And I'm getting used to not knowing and at trying my hardest to simply trust, much as that seems to be an oxymoron since trusting is so far from simple.
A common theme in both my life and the lives of my friends recently seems to be dealing with desires that appear to be from God but are not quickly fulfilled. One person desires to have a baby. One desires to be in a relationship that seems completely impractical and even impossible. One desires to be pursued by a man who is not taking the steps he needs to take. One desires to go to another country. And it is so easy to become angry with God in these situations - "Why would You give me such a strong desire and leave me there? If this isn't going to happen, could You take away this desire?" And again, I need to be reminded, as my friends do, that God is primarily interested in our hearts. He DOES care whether or not our desires are fulfilled, because we are His children, and He died for us, and He is intimately connected to our hearts. But ultimately, He cares about what matters most - our relationship to Him, our complete dependence on Him, our willingness to surrender. And because He is good, and because He is faithful, and because He is all-knowing, and because He is God, He is more than worthy of being trusted.
One of the kids I work with again gave me precious insight on Monday. We wrote a song about life, or started one anyway. She came up with a line that said, "Life is full of ups and downs and turns-arounds." I wanted to cry. When pressed to explain her lyric, she gave an example of having had to learn a new way to solve a math problem in 5th grade. It was good to be reminded that she is only 11 and that she doesn't have the same kinds of things on her plate that I do. Because when I think of ups and downs and turns-arounds, I think of relationships, and of Romania, and of a constantly changing view of my own future and the roller coaster that I sometimes feel I'm on. And in away, I wish that all I thought about was math problems, but I know that God will not give me more than I can handle. So as my view of my own future constantly changes, I know that His view of my future does not. And that is what I rest in, and that is what I hope in.