Archive: July 9th, 2008

longing

I had a dream the other night. I don't remember much about it, except that I was in Romania and it was wonderful. But not wonderful in a utopian kind of way – wonderful in a very realistic kind of way. I'm pretty sure I was in Brad, the town I lived in the last time I was there, and we were heading to Criscior, where I've stayed the other times. This dream was a little different than other dreams of Romania that I've had recently, because there were people from my life here that were there with me. I don't know who exactly, but I think someone from my family or maybe some friends, maybe both. And in the dream, I was trying to figure things out, and I was speaking to people in Romanian and to other people in English and things were getting accomplished. It was sort of hectic, I think, but in a really great way. I remember feeling like I was NEEDED there – needed by the other Americans to get around rural Romania for sure, but also needed in a greater sense by the kids there. There were orphans in the dream, I know, but not the kids I already know. But immediately there was a connection there. Strange how a lot of details are missing from dreams but a lot of things are very present.
Having this dream this week couldn't make more sense. I think right now, I am longing for people here to see that world. Oh, if they could only see that world, if they could only see who I am in that world, if they could only see those kids the way I see them and see God working there as I see Him, surely no one would have any doubt anymore that I need to be there and be there soon. The last couple weeks have been really hard on that front – the elders at my church have expressed concerns about not knowing much about what I'd be doing when I get there, and they're having me slow down on moving forward, which is really hard to do because I certainly haven't been moving quickly the last couple months. Then I spent the whole weekend with my family, and nobody in my family is behind me in this, at least not behind me 100%. My great-aunt has told me she'll support me financially, and that she hopes that I go, but it just seems half-hearted and almost like she feels obligated to say these things. And everyone related to me just seems sad and cautious and skeptical when the conversation comes up. And this is WITHOUT my dad around – my dad won't even have a conversation with me about this topic but is in the process of writing me a letter – a process that began 3 months ago. And it's hard for me to communicate to people why I need to be there or what exactly I hope to accomplish. I wish that somehow they could just see into my heart. The whole cautious, drawn-out, American approach of applying for the trip, of making sure all the loose ends are tied up before we even know what the loose ends are, is lately seeming tedious and…well, hard. Part of me feels like if I sold everything I have today and got on a plane tomorrow, I would be on the right track. But there is another part of me who respects so much the leaders of my church, who loves my family so dearly, who is still so connected to this life, to this local church, to these friends, to this job even, that I know it wouldn't be right to just cut ties tomorrow. And so the waiting continues. A very active waiting – I'm by no means twiddling my thumbs and watching the world go by. I do love my life here – nearly everything about it – and I'm about as busy as busy can be. But my longing to be THERE is not going away.